Fathers on Daughters: Laura Pustika Wibowo

"I believe fathers have a crucial role to play in the fight for women's rights. Of course, when your rights are being violated - at home, at work, anywhere - your voice is the most powerful to challenge your oppression. And so women's voices are the most important in feminism. But in patriarchal societies, a father's voice is perhaps the next most important tools to galvanize change," said Ziauddin Yousafzai, the father of Nobel Peace Winner - Malala Yousafzai, in his interview with Time magazine.

Many young girls and women in Indonesia live their life under the patriarchal culture.  It's common for these girls to be given prescribed roles and expectations. The expectations to behave or act according to what's appropriate for women often starts within the family. It's not a rare occasion to find stories of young Indonesian women that have to put up with their parents expectations of what kind of daughter that she should be. This relationship that was based on patriarchal norms and culture, often damages the emotional state and security of the daughters. Not only does it jeopardise her relationship with her parents, but to herself too. The obligation to be a dutiful daughter, a 'perfect' mother and everything in between may cost everything in her life. However, it's not impossible to change that narrative and start to ensure gender equality within the household. Like Ziauddin Yousafzai said fathers can take a great part and have the power to dismantle patriarchy within their own family.

In "Fathers on Daughters: Lessons from Fatherhood," we want to show you that fathers in Indonesia can too empower their daughters. Fathers can learn from their daughters and the daughters can be empowered by them too. In this first series, we want to highlight Laura Pustika Wibowo's relationship with her Ayah. Laura had a small talk with her Ayah, they discussed the meanings of their relationship and what it takes for her Ayah to empower her. We hope you enjoy reading Laura's story about her Ayah, and take many lessons from their wonderful relationship!

Ayah, how does it feel to have a daughter?

I feel so happy. I feel grateful that after we waited for nine years, we were able to have you. There are no regrets of having you as my daughter.

What is the most important thing that you've learned from me as your daughter?

For me everything that you have done is my achievements as a parent. You're doing good in life, and it's a teamwork. I do my part to educate you and interact with you, and so are you. So far I think we're doing a really great job.

How do you empower me, and my other siblings?

I always try to see and acknowledge my children's talents and efforts. And I don't like to force my will or certain intentions to you guys. I have this principle that you should do what you want while I exist. If there are any deficiencies, I'm sure I can help you. So do not be afraid to make mistakes, because mistakes delay success. Oh and most important thing, I have never felt that I needed to sacrifice anything for my children. So you guys don't have to worry about that too.

I don't force you and your sister to wear hijab, because I wanted that when you choose to wear them it's because of your own intentions. Not your parents or anyone else. 

What are the hardships of being a father and how you tackle it?

Some of the hardships are when we have to make a decision as a family. Oftentimes, both me and your mom had different opinions about what's best. But after we took some time to understand each other, we were able to do what's best for our family. And as a father, I think the hardest thing is to understand each other. We have a huge age gap, we came from different generations. So I like to take things slowly, I wanted to understand you guys better. It's like when we were on a boat and had to face the waves. Although the boat may be the same, the wave length is varied and different. My goal as a father is to dock the boat with safety.

One of my ways to understand my children better is through small things. Remember I like to pick you up from school? I like to pick you up because I love to hear your stories, see your friends, see what kind of snacks that you like to buy at school. This is one of my ways to know you better. I want to be involved in your life through those small things.

What did you learn from your parents about having a daughter?

I didn't learn much from my parents. Both eyang dhono kakung and eyang dhono putri didn't advise me much. I grew up quite alone, but thankfully I met a lot of good people that were able to educate me to be a good man. Despite my limited relationship with my parents, I still think that they are hardworking parents. I have never heard my dad complain about money problems. They never asked to be pitied by others, even under bad circumstances they're still able to laugh it out.

To Laura she learned so much about herself through her relationship with her father. She knows that people don't get a chance to choose their family, but Laura believes that we have the choice to determine what type of relationship that we want to build with them. Laura and her family moved a lot, and one of her father's advice is to never stop exploring new places and learn from it. For Laura every conversation that she has with her father always empowers her. But throughout all these years his warmth and accepting feature is like no other. Laura explained that her dad has bent his own rules for the sake of his children, and  all the sacrifices he has made for their family still makes her look at him in awe. 

"An empowering story that was told to be was the process of trying to have children. Both my parents went to so many different doctors, took tests, took various medications and his acceptance to all this was amazing. After 9 years of not having children, he never thought once to leave/remarry even when given the option. He sacrificed his job position for the happiness and wellbeing for my mothers’ mental and emotional health. Facing the consequences of social stigma since then, swallowing such pride for the sake of his wife to the point that she has become mentally and emotionally strong enough to give birth to three children is one of the most empowering motivations of my existence," said Laura.

Laura also explained that one of his father’s efforts to empower her is through education. "When we just came home from Berlin I was just over 3 years old and my dad was looking for a preschool in Bogor. One of the best schools took me in, but after the women gave my father a tour she said something about my baldness, which was both sensitive to me and my mother. So, he withdrew me from that school and looked for another. At this new school I was always the last one to go home and my father wondered why, so he came to my class to see. He saw the teacher asking me what an animal was while showing me a card and I said “hund” while the others laughed at me, as my father understood what was happening, he waited till everyone was gone and spoke to the teacher afterwards. As he explained that we have just moved to Indonesia and that I was still unable to speak Bahasa even though I understood. I said the correct animal, just in a different language. To which the teacher replied that “maaf bapak tapi kami di Indonesia, bukan di Germany” and that was when he decided to home-school me until I was old enough for kindergarten," said Laura. Her father's willingness to take the time and teach her by himself, to prevent Laura from being bullied and not to be judged based on her looks, has made Laura to accept who she is and be comfortable with herself. And to Laura that is one of the earliest and most memorable empowering things that her father has done for her. "I might not have remembered any of this, I might not have understood all this yet, but he stood by me, not only accepted me but embraced me, and for that I am forever grateful. It is then that I took education quite seriously, even if it takes more time or effort," Laura added.

Laura wrote a short reflection about her relationship and her father. She thinks as she grew up, she realised how their conversation has empowered her to be the person that she is today. Laura talked to him about anything, even from simple stuff like being able to call him by his nickname or first name. Even she asked him some favours to buy vaginal products, or to have him accompany her to buy a bra, to have him pick her up on her first period and being there for Laura's first ping-pong tournament until the last, when she qualified for province level. "The process of him being there for my physical, mental and emotional health, to be so patient, accepting and comforting all these years. To be privileged enough to be taught sex-ed from my own father. His never-ending well of acceptance has pushed me to be comfortable with my vulnerability, being able to just cry in front of him and be myself in a loving environment is such a privilege. We love to sit in the living room together and just read in silence together; sometimes if he feels lonely, he would come to my room and just sleep on my bed to accompany my study. He always tries to provide the best for me, he was the one to push me to get skincare when I started to feel insecure for my outpeal. Things between us have been quite transparent, I love my dad," said Laura.