Women Around Us: Aliyah Sekar Ayu's Journey to Heal from Her Loss

Aliyah Sekar Ayu, wearing her mom's dress.

Today's story on Women Around Us series is probably one of the hardest piece for me to write. For a while, I found myself staring on a blank screen and constantly rereading messy notes of the interview on my book. To me, this story is one of the most memorable story that I've encountered. And with that in mind, I wanted to be able to present this story really well. For me, the person behind this story is the strongest woman that I've ever known. She deserves that title after what she has been through, and I'm honored that she gave me the chance to share her story on this blog. I learned a lot about acceptance and love through her, and I hope after reading this you'll too. This is the story of my dear friend, Aliyah Sekar Ayu or Echa, and her sempiternal lessons and memories of life.

To most people, Yogyakarta is a place full of love, happiness and good memories, but for Sekar it’s not that simple. For her, this city is the place where she had to face her biggest fear and hardest lesson in life, which is losing someone you love. 

Aliyah Sekar Ayu was born on September, 22th 1997 in Kebumen, Central Java. Her friends called her Echa, a short nick name that she gave to herself when she was little, since she found it hard to pronounce Sekar back then. Sekar with her two little sisters lived in Yogyakarta for most of their life. Though now her sisters moved to Semarang to live with their aunt, three of them shared their life and memories with their loving parents in this city.

 

Front page of Sekar's diary.

If you take a look at Sekar, you’d probably think that she’s just an ordinary woman living her best life. Yet, behind her strong and cheerful image, Sekar kept a deep scar in her heart. The scar is healing as Sekar grew and find joy in life again, but she know that she’ll never truly recover from the wound. It’s one of the most painful scar that anyone could get, and she got it from losing both of her parents. “Though they have left this world, I think I’m still one of the lucky ones. Because I know, that my mother and father loved me with all of their hearts,” said Sekar.

Sekar continued to tell story about her mother and father, as her face glows and her mind filled with the happy memories. Both of her parents met in Semarang, and they quickly fell in love. At that time, they were studying about farming and agriculture. To Sekar her mom is the epitome of independent woman. Since she was little, Sekar’s mother has lived her life independently. Her mother’s mom have passed away when she was little, and that made Sekar’s mom so strong and lived an independent life. On the other hand, Sekar’s father is really unique and expressive. He did breakdance, and plays the drum. To her father traditional Javanese dance isn’t too expressive, that’s why he preferred to do breakdance.

Her parents got married in 1996, and continued to teach their daughters the importance of being independent. Sekar recalled the moments of making decisions, and taking care of her sisters. She told me that her parents include her in choosing which school that she will enroll to. Her parents also taught her about being “nerimo” or acceptance to everything that happened in life. With their insight and teaching, her parents help Sekar to grew into a bright independent woman now.

In 2007, Sekar experienced her first heartbreak. Her mother passed away due to breast cancer. For as long as Sekar can remember, she saw her mom battle and fight the breast cancer with passion and eagerness. She remembered how the cancer slowly take the life away from her mom, as it spread to her bones as well. Sekar told me that she remembered feeling so scared and worried about her mother’s condition. However, she never expected that her mom would leave her. “I guess at that time, it was the denial of a child. I never thought that my mom would leave me,” said Sekar.

Sekar's refuge, diaries and books.

Losing her mom at such young age, scarred Sekar for life. But it didn’t stop her to express herself and try to get back up again. “Whenever I reach the lowest point of losing my mom or missing her, I always express my sadness through poetry. One of the poem that I wrote for her is titled Peluk Hangat yang Kurindu,” Sekar added. She found refuge through writing, and that’s why Sekar writes a lot in her diary. She also try to talk to her supportive family and friends about her feelings. To keep her mother’s legacy alive, Sekar clings to her mother’s values and lessons the most. She pass those lessons to her sisters until today.

After her mother passed away, Sekar’s father stepped in and took double role as mother and father for Sekar and her sisters. Thanks to her father’s love, Sekar never felt alone. Not only providing them with love, Sekar’s father worked hard to fulfill their family needs. Her father taught himself about caving and worked as cave researcher. Though his background is agriculture, Sekar’s father managed to work as cave explorer and often accompanied foreign cave researchers to observe caves and karst in Yogyakarta. Due to his job, Sekar’s father had to leave from early morning and came back late at night. Sekar learned to take care of her sisters as their father worked throughout the day. However, she never felt tired or burden by it, since she can always channel her tiredness through books and writings.

It will never be easy when you lose someone you love. As Sekar reached adolescent, she started to see how her mom’s passing affected her. “When I saw my friends and their mothers went to the salon or doing simple things, I feel sad. I tried my best to accept and understand my situation, but sometimes it’s just too hard. I cried a lot but I know that I’ll get back up again,” said Sekar.

 

Sekar and her mom.

Sekar stopped for a while as she remembers about her mom, “I always cry when I miss my mom, and these small things in life made me miss her even more.” Sekar’s eyes were filled with tears as she proceeded to share her fondest memory with her mom, which is going to the bookshop. Sekar always asked books as her presents. Her mom loved books, so does she.

“One of my biggest fear in life is forgetting the feeling and moment with my mom. Every time I remember her commemoration day, I realized there has been so many years I’ve lived without her. And I’m scared that I’ll forget about her.” To always remember her mom, Sekar read her late mother’s diary. Sekar told me that her mother diary became the baton of keeping her mother’s character and stories alive. Sekar learned and connected about her mother better thanks to the diary. Her mother’s diary also helped Sekar to become a bridge of her mother and father values to her sisters. Though she feels that she has yet become a good role model for her sister, Sekar always try her best to educate them and keeping her parents legacy alive within them.

In 2016, Sekar experienced another heartbreak. Her father passed away due to thymus cancer. It was too sudden, she didn’t expect that her father would leave her quickly like that. For nine years after her mother’s passing, Sekar’s dad had taken the role as single parent and gave love every single day. There’s a guilty feeling of not being able to return the love that Sekar had received from his dad. But again, she believes that all she can do is to accept and continue the love of her parents in this world. One of the most important lesson that Sekar got from her father is nature. “We can’t conquered the nature, but we always have to be familiar and love them,” thus as Sekar explores the wilderness, she’ll always remember and feel close with her father’s love.

 

Sekar's expressive and loving father.

Losing both of her parents helped Sekar to grow a sense of motherhood within her. “Kudu tetep dilakoni, nek ming dipikir thok yo mesthi abot. Dadi kudu coba dilakoni,” that’s one of the spirit that she tried to keep every day. It’s not easy to move on from losing someone you love, but for Sekar there’s no time to be sad. She still have two sisters that dependent on her, and for her sisters she wanted to be strong. Since both of her parents passing, Sekar had took the role of parenting and became a mother figure to her sisters. “No matter how sad it gets, all I can think about is my sisters. If they see me crumble and fall apart, how will they live?” Together Sekar and her sisters try to support each other and spread positivity. “My friends once snapped and got angry with me, because she feels that I’m being overly positive. She’s worried because she thinks that I’m suppressing my emotions. But the truth is if I don’t live like this or at least try my best to be positive, I’d die.”

Sekar’s sister right now live separately in Semarang. There are times where Sekar felt that she missed so many memories of her sisters growing up, but she take a lot of effort to always communicate with them every day. To her there’s nothing more important than her family. “There’s no need to be bitter about life. I have more important things to do other than blaming my situation. Some people may see me as a wise person, but I too have my dark side. I’m not that strong but I’m trying my best. All I want to ask to my friends and other people that know me is, when I’m on my lowest point or when I’m not strong enough, please don’t leave. I promise that I’ll always get back up again.”

After listening to Sekar’s stories, all I can think about is her patience and bravery in facing all of this. To her those sad moments are not something that should be considered depressing, rather she consider them as a wound in the process of healing. She knows that she’ll heal, though she may not forget the feeling that comes with it. After losing both of her parents, Sekar didn’t disregard the joy and happiness that she encountered in this world. She cherish them, as she spreads her love to people around her. It’s amazing to see how she blooms from such tragedy and sadness. She’s the literal meaning of a person than managed to find solitude. We may not understand how it truly feels to lose the people that you love the most, but through Sekar’s story she showed us that experiencing such things doesn’t mean our hopes in life are completely gone. As a matter of fact, we might’ve found strength from it, just like she did.

To Tante Ika and Oom Bagus, there's no need to worry about Sekar. She has become a beautiful and smart young lady, and as her friend I'm sure she'll do great things in life. 

Stay Awesome, Be Riot!          

Love,